I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
