what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
