i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
