I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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