Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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