so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
