He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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