his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize