im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
