id be glad to
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
