You're a womanizer and a bitch.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
