If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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