Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I would ride that face into the sunset
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
