I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
