Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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