I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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