I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
