then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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