In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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