he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
