Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
