I hate all girls vehemently.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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