Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
