You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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