Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
