I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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