If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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