so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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