ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
