Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
