i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
