i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
