If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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