just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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