I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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