We named our party play list daddy issues
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
