And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
