I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize