all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
