when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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