well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
