Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
