Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
