We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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