Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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