Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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