her facebook's as public as her vagina
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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