She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think my vagina is haunted
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
