You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
