Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
