Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize