Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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