if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
