I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
