My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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