Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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